Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You're a waste of cheezeits
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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