Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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