I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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