rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize