i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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