I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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