Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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