I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
