I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
