I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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