Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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