Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
