I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
