Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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