I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
