two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
