I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I want to have your abortion
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
