you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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