Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
