Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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