dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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