i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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