I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
where are my eyebrows?
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