There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
