And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize