I could have mohawked her pubes.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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