Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
