Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
