Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
