Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The beer is more important than you right now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
God, I missed his penis.
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