Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
