she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
