Got a toothbrush?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
