i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You should frame my arrest warrant.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
