She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
