It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
