there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
