drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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