I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
