You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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