I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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