this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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