someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
