I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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