True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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