just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
