I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Green mimosas i think yes
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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