i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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