I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
