everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
