If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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