Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
