my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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