Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
