I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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