Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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