Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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