sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
high people should be assigned attendants
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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