U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
