2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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