I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
