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• (443): View more from Maryland

  and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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• (949): View more from California

  I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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• (973): View more from New Jersey

  You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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• (469): View more from Texas

  He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?

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• (919): View more from North Carolina

  Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night

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• (647): View more from Ontario

  We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works

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• (734): View more from Michigan

  She's 90% sass and 10% boobs

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• (518): View more from New York

  If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.

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