he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There's always time for handjobs
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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