so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
