I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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