that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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