I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
