Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Randomize
