Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am naked and annoyed.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
