I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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